Marissa Lichwick, 46, is a Korean adoptee and filmmaker, playwright and actor. She is using her past pain and trauma surrounding her family separation, abuse in the orphanage and in her father and stepmother’s home and the haunting loss of a half-sister she’s never met in her art, to process the events of her life and to encourage healing and community with others. Her first feature-length film is a semi-autobiographical look at her life and will be distributed widely this fall.
Audio available on Friday, January 19, 2024.
(0:00:07) speaker_0: Welcome to Adapted Podcast, Season 7, Episode 10 starts now. My name is Kaomi Lee. This podcast explores the Korean transnational adoptee experience.
(0:00:20) speaker_0: Over the past seven years, more than 150 adopted people have shared their lives with us.
(0:00:26) speaker_0: This podcast is about centering the voices of adopted people who are the true experts of adoption.
(0:00:33) speaker_1: I have a half-sister who had a dichotomous life to my life.
(0:00:39) speaker_0: This adopted Korean is using her pain for good. Marisa Lichwick’s film, Searching For You, will be out later this year.
(0:00:46) speaker_0: It’s a story about her life, including some of her trauma from family separation and the abuse she survived.
(0:01:18) speaker_0: Now, here’s the show.
(0:01:26) speaker_1: Hi, my name is Marisa Lichwick. I am, oh, 46, I think. Sometimes I forget, most times I forget. And I live in Chicago.
(0:01:41) speaker_0: Okay. Um, Marisa, so tell us where do you wanna be… Uh, where do you wanna start your story?
(0:01:47) speaker_1: So I created a film and I have littered social media with it and, um, people that follow me know all about it.
(0:01:55) speaker_1: It’s called Searching For You, and it is going to play tomorrow at Facets Theater, which is in Chicago, um, at this adorable art house theater.
(0:02:08) speaker_1: And it is semi-autobiographical. Um, I have a solo show that is dead-on autobiographical and I loosely adapted it from that.
(0:02:20) speaker_1: But it came from, you know, my, um, adoption reunification journey, or my reunification journey, which happened to me in, um, 2006.
(0:02:32) speaker_1: I got a letter from my birth father when I was living in New York City. I was in my later 20s. And, um, he…
(0:02:41) speaker_1: Essentially, we had located him after a brief search, and I decided to just 180 my life and I decided to go to Korea and live there ’cause I found a teaching job.
(0:02:57) speaker_1: And I did, and I found my father. I reunited with him and from there, I found everyone. Everyone came out of the woodwork.
(0:03:10) speaker_1: Met my uncles, my aunts, um, went to my grandmother’s grave and just went on this year-long journey of reuniting with my birth family.
(0:03:21) speaker_1: And it was, it was a dream come true in a sense because this was a reoccurring dream I had since I came to this country at seven years old.
(0:03:30) speaker_1: But it was an unfulfilling dream because I had so many expectations of what I thought would happen and that didn’t happen. Uh, the-
(0:03:42) speaker_0: Uh, let’s, let’s, let’s stop there. What e- what were your expectations going in, and, uh, what actually occurred?
(0:03:50) speaker_1: Okay. Great question. Thank you for asking.
(0:03:52) speaker_1: The big expectation was I thought all my questions would be answered, and I thought I would go in there and speak fluent Korean to them.
(0:04:01) speaker_1: But I didn’t speak fluent Korean. I had a translator and very few of my questions were answered.
(0:04:08) speaker_1: And how this relates to my film is that I have a half-sister who had a dichotomous life to my life, especially when I was in South Korea ’cause I left when I was seven years old.
(0:04:20) speaker_1: I left, um, coming out of an orphanage and she stayed and grew up with my father and stepmother.
(0:04:28) speaker_1: And I found out that she went to Yonsei University and became an English, uh, literature major and now is, you know, bilingual and teaches English.
(0:04:40) speaker_1: And I was astounded by her affluent life, and so I wanted to meet her.
(0:04:46) speaker_1: And a lot of my questions were about her and how she grew up and how I wanted to meet her.
(0:04:53) speaker_1: And then it was also about my childhood and the missing pieces ’cause I couldn’t remember everything.
(0:05:00) speaker_1: And so many of their answers were how they couldn’t remember and that it was a long time ago, but that they were just happy to meet me and that they thought I was healthy.
(0:05:11) speaker_1: And, um, there was a lot of crying and food involved, and that was that.
(0:05:21) speaker_0: We’re told so often that, um, one of the reasons we were given up is that, you know, Korea was poor and, you know, our parents couldn’t keep us.
(0:05:32) speaker_0: And, and yet it must have been quite shocking to find that you had a half-sister that had lived almost kind of a parallel life that she was able to stay in Korea and, and yet she ended up well.
(0:05:45) speaker_0:
(0:05:45) speaker_1: Absolutely. It was… I was infuriated and that this is why I was persistent in, um, meeting with them and asking more questions.
(0:05:57) speaker_1: And the more I did that, the…… uh, the less inclined they were to give me answers.
(0:06:05) speaker_1: And then the more answers I got about, um, you know, actually the more answers I got about how the context of my family and in which I was given up because I, it, my family was poor, a part of my family.
(0:06:22) speaker_1: But then my father, I found out, married a very we- wealthy woman and there was a lot of deceit.
(0:06:30) speaker_1: He lied to the church ’cause he gave us up in secret and he, um, then married her, and that was all hidden.
(0:06:40) speaker_1: He was cheating on my mother, and I think that was common too. I think infidelity was common.
(0:06:47) speaker_1: And, uh, our, like, my grandmother didn’t even know I was, we were given away but, you know, and she was sick and she was searching for us in her dying days.
(0:06:57) speaker_1: And, um, oh my gosh, I can’t, like a lot of this is leaving me now ’cause it was in 2006, so much of it came up.
(0:07:06) speaker_2: So walk us through what did they tell you? Your, your, were your parents married and your dad was cheating on your mother?
(0:07:15) speaker_1: Yeah.
(0:07:15) speaker_1: Um, my dad told us a chronological story of how he met my mom in missionary school because they were both pastors or they are still, they’re both pastors, and they got married right out of missionary school and they had my brother, and two years later they had me.
(0:07:38) speaker_1: And then, um, the marriage ended. He said they were sexually not compatible. He literally said that in the reunion.
(0:07:48) speaker_1: And, um, and then from what I found out later, she went to go live with, uh, my grandmother, so my father’s mother, in the country and was told to raise us, and then she said, um, “No way.
(0:08:07) speaker_1: Why does he get to, uh, have this new life?” once she found out he had a new wife and, um, said, “I’m leaving.” Like, “I’m going to have my own life.
(0:08:19) speaker_1: ” And then so we were left with our grandmother and, um, just my grandmother in the countryside, and our aunts.
(0:08:28) speaker_1: And then our grandmother got too old and then, um, an elder uncle sa- told my father, “You’ve got to take your kids.” Like, “Mother is sick.
(0:08:39) speaker_1: ” And then so he was like, “Okay.” And then my stepmother was like, “I don’t want your kids.” Like, “They belong to her.
(0:08:47) speaker_1: ” And then so, but he’s like, “We’ve got to take them.
(0:08:51) speaker_1: ” And so we went to go live with our stepmother for I think like a year, and this is where the movie comes in. It’s like that year we lived with her.
(0:09:00) speaker_1: And then, um, and then th- and then my father was like, “They need to go to an orphanage,” because, uh, like, the stepmother is just having a, a terrible time with them because they already had, um, my half-sister by then.
(0:09:15) speaker_1: And then we went to an orphanage for another year and then we got adopted.
(0:09:19) speaker_2: So Marisa, if I can just interrupt here, um-
(0:09:23) speaker_1: Of course.
(0:09:24) speaker_2: So it sounds like your father married someone while he was still married to your mother?
(0:09:28) speaker_1: He met her, I think they got a divorce then he married her. But, you know, who knows? (laughs)
(0:09:35) speaker_2: And, and it sounds like to get your, your father’s fir- you know, first family, you and y- your mother and brother, they had to kind of get them out of the way, get you out of the way and so you went, you were, you went to live with his-
(0:09:50) speaker_1: Yeah.
(0:09:51) speaker_2: … his mother, which actually tracks with what I know about Korean culture, that you stay with the father’s family-
(0:09:58) speaker_1: Yeah.
(0:09:58) speaker_2: … often or you’re under their-
(0:10:00) speaker_1: Mm-hmm.
(0:10:01) speaker_2: That you, you become part of their family more so than going with the mother’s family.
(0:10:06) speaker_1: Mm-hmm.
(0:10:06) speaker_2: Um, but that has to be kind of devastating to learn that occurred. Um, do you, do you have any memories of when you were with these-
(0:10:17) speaker_1: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, ’cause I was seven when I came to this country. So I was five when I lived with a stepmother and I was six when I was in the orphanage.
(0:10:26) speaker_1: And that year with the stepmother was traumatizing. Um, my time with my grandmother was, I loved my grandmother.
(0:10:36) speaker_1: I just remember, I remember I, I was told I could not let go of her and I was very possessive and I was upset when anyone else held on, held onto her.
(0:10:47) speaker_1: So and I remember kind of an idyllic time in the countryside with my grandmother.
(0:10:52) speaker_1: It’s kind of like a movie with her, like the rice paddies and just walking around with her.
(0:10:59) speaker_1: Um, and I remember a shift, um, and, you know, I w- we have 50% of our memories.
(0:11:04) speaker_1: The rest of it we make up, so I think I’ve made a lot of it up ’cause I like to make film.
(0:11:12) speaker_1: Um, but I do remember, you know, a traumatizing time being with my stepmother.
(0:11:18) speaker_1: There was a period where I was locked in a room, and my brother ran away so it was just me locked in this room for a while barely being fed, and my father didn’t do anything about it.
(0:11:33) speaker_1: He just allowed it. And then my stepmother, you know, she was abusive.
(0:11:39) speaker_1: And that went on for a while until I ran away, and then it was when they caught me.
(0:11:46) speaker_1: It was actually we both, my br- they found my brother, he came back and I asked him, “Can we both run away?
(0:11:53) speaker_1: ” And we were, I think, at that time like on the verge of, um, fi- you know, almost six and eight and I said, “Can we both run away?
(0:12:02) speaker_1: ” And my brother and I…I, I remember this pretty vividly.
(0:12:07) speaker_1: We schemed and we had this whole runaway p- plot planned out, and we ran away that night, that day, and we got caught that night, and when we came back, uh, we were punished and I remember being told that we would go to an orphanage shortly after.
(0:12:24) speaker_1: And that was a big transitional point ’cause then we went to an orphanage, and we spent about, uh, 11 months there actually, precisely.
(0:12:33) speaker_1: And the 11 months in the orphanage is crystal clear in my mind, and then we came to America.
(0:12:40) speaker_1: So yeah, the latter two years is, um, what I wrote my solo show on, and then of course my time in America and that whole transitional point I think that most adoptees can speak of.
(0:12:54) speaker_1: You know, how our identity, like searching for that. Um-
(0:12:59) speaker_2: Well, how, how bad m- must it, must it have been to have a six-year-old and an eight-year-old-
(0:13:07) speaker_1: Mm-hmm.
(0:13:08) speaker_2: … scheme to run away together?
(0:13:10) speaker_1: (sighs) I remember it to be quite comical now in my mind, but I th- I look at it from a bird’s eye view ’cause I see everything as film, and I think it’s, I think it’s really ingenious how we thought of it because my brother had run away for, from my memory about six months prior to me, so he knew the streets really well.
(0:13:35) speaker_1: And we were in Seoul. So we knew that we needed money ’cause we needed food. He also knew where my father kept money.
(0:13:45) speaker_1: Um, he, he told me to layer up ’cause that it would be getting cold, and we lived on the first floor of an apartment complex, so I remember him instructing me how to jump out of the fire escape (beep) and you know, how to land and instructing me like how to get out of the city (car revs) and that we would have to get out of the city by the end of that night.
(0:14:10) speaker_1: And then he was telling me if like, “If anyone calls your name, don’t turn around.” And (clears throat) we spent the entire night before plotting it.
(0:14:20) speaker_1: And, and I didn’t do any of those things, which is why we got caught that night. And-
(0:14:25) speaker_2: Where, where, where would one go to? Why did you have to get out of the city? Was the city too dangerous at night?
(0:14:30) speaker_1: My father was, is a pastor, and he was a pastor in, um, in Gangnam, which was the neighborhood where we lived.
(0:14:39) speaker_1: And so my brother told me, um, you know, from memory that, uh, like i- that his parishioners and that his church people, that they would come looking for us.
(0:14:50) speaker_1: And so we would have to get out of the city because he knew that people would come looking for us ’cause we wouldn’t be in the room where we inhabited for the, um, however months, like the almost year that we were living with my stepmother and father.
(0:15:06) speaker_1:
(0:15:07) speaker_2: How, um, how were you caught?
(0:15:11) speaker_1: We, w- we were caught on like, it’s um… (laughs) Someone called my name, and I ran into a strange, I believe a strange man.
(0:15:21) speaker_1: He was with a woman, and someone picked me up, and, uh, my brother knew that it was somebody from the church. And this person-
(0:15:29) speaker_2: Oh yeah, your father had sent people out looking for you.
(0:15:31) speaker_1: Yeah, and this person’s like, “Your father’s looking for you.” And my brother’s like, “No they’re not. No they’re not,” (laughs) like he’s…
(0:15:39) speaker_1: And then I re- I just remember him think- think- saying like, “Oh my God. You’re such a dummy.
(0:15:44) speaker_1: ” And I was also like in the middle of pooping, and you know, we really do remember 50% (laughs) of wha- actually what happens.
(0:15:52) speaker_1: I feel like I dramatize a lot of it and a part of it is also I’ve created, you know, a play and this is (laughs) what I also wrote into the play.
(0:16:00) speaker_1: But I remember I was going to the bathroom, and I was kind of a mess and I was at the same time running and someone called me and I ran into a stranger and I-
(0:16:10) speaker_2: Mm-hmm.
(0:16:10) speaker_1: … was friendly and I was like, “Yes, that’s my name.” Um-
(0:16:16) speaker_2: Do you think it w-
(0:16:16) speaker_1: It, yeah.
(0:16:16) speaker_2: Do you think people would, it would’ve been i- i- it was shameful for your, for a minister to… in particular to have his children run away do you think?
(0:16:27) speaker_2:
(0:16:27) speaker_1: Oh.
(0:16:28) speaker_2: Do you think-
(0:16:28) speaker_1: Absolu- absolutely.
(0:16:30) speaker_1: I found out later during the interviews that, um, he actually was kicked out of that church because a social, uh, someone from the church called Social Services on him when they found out how poorly we were treated, and that in the orphanage records it, uh, spoke about how, um, our health condition and that we were both underweight, that I had an eye infection and that like I was, you know, malnourished and like we were just not taken care of.
(0:17:04) speaker_1: And so, um, as, as even though (clears throat) I made comedy out of it in my play, and I narrate it now in like this comical sense, it was…
(0:17:15) speaker_1: (smacks lips) He got in trouble and even, and whoever caught us that night, you know, they might have been, you know, um, kind of taking his orders.
(0:17:25) speaker_1: They realized that, uh, h- whatever he was doing it was, um, it was really immoral for a, you know, a leader of a church to do. So-
(0:17:36) speaker_2: Okay.
(0:17:37) speaker_1: … it didn’t work out for him for this particular, um, establishment.
(0:17:41) speaker_2: And did your, um, half-sister, was she in the home at that time?
(0:17:49) speaker_1: She was a baby and I wanna say, I don’t even, I don’t… I recall her being like, um… (smacks lips) I remember her being in a crib.
(0:18:01) speaker_2: Okay.
(0:18:01) speaker_1: So I- I’m not quite sure of her age. I just remember she was still in a crib, and I recall her being in the crib when we left but-…
(0:18:10) speaker_1: that could be, you know-
(0:18:11) speaker_2: Mm-hmm.
(0:18:12) speaker_1: … that could be me fictionalizing it once again. But I just remember her being in a crib and saying goodbye.
(0:18:18) speaker_2: Did you have any f- do you recall, I know you were a kid so it’s really hard and then there was trauma of adoption too on top of that, but do you recall having any feelings towards this baby?
(0:18:29) speaker_2:
(0:18:30) speaker_1: (gasps) I remember she was adorable and I thought babies were adorable and I wanted to get to know her obviously because she was in the same apartment as us and we were not allowed to.
(0:18:46) speaker_1: And there were times, ’cause this, the room that we were in was locked.
(0:18:50) speaker_1: So there were times where she would ac- she would come to the doorway and I wanted to communicate but we were forbidden. So she was like-
(0:18:59) speaker_2: You were not allowed to?
(0:19:01) speaker_1: Hmm?
(0:19:01) speaker_2: You were not allowed to?
(0:19:02) speaker_1: We were not allowed to. She was the forbid- like it was forbidden, yeah. So the, so there was a lot of curiosity around her.
(0:19:13) speaker_2: Wow. Do you think she was ever told about you growing up?
(0:19:18) speaker_1: No.
(0:19:18) speaker_1: And that is what, that is what drove me to make this movie, make this narrative about her, and to seek her out when I was in Korea because they would not, they would not let me meet her.
(0:19:35) speaker_1: And my father promised me over and over again that I could meet her, that she would come visit me where I was teaching in Korea, that I would meet her.
(0:19:45) speaker_1: He lied about, you know, us reuniting. Um, and then I found out as I was leaving Korea that she never found out about us and that we were still a secret.
(0:19:56) speaker_1: Like, we were-
(0:19:58) speaker_2: This, to this day?
(0:19:59) speaker_1: To this day.
(0:20:00) speaker_1: And, um, you know, it, I, I, I believe that, you know, because my film has been bought, it’s going to get, um, put up on major platforms, you know, some time in the fall.
(0:20:14) speaker_1: I think she’ll, and my uncle, my birth uncle is my Facebook friend and he’s been liking everything.
(0:20:20) speaker_1: He even said he’s interested in coming to the screening tomorrow (laughs) and he’s in Korea.
(0:20:27) speaker_1: And, um, I think she’ll end up watching this movie and that may be probably the one way, that’s probably g- how she is going to find out about me, my brother, and this story.
(0:20:39) speaker_1:
(0:20:40) speaker_2: Well, yeah, and especially if you start doing media tours, you know?
(0:20:43) speaker_1: Uh, yeah, and, you know, the distribution company when we were, I was talking and interviewing and we were talking about this film, they’re like, “That will be another movie.
(0:20:53) speaker_1: ” (laughs)
(0:20:54) speaker_2: (laughs) Um, is, is she you searching for you?
(0:20:59) speaker_1: She is you ’cause her name is, um, (laughs) I, I should’ve fictionalized her name but her name is Yushin and I just thought that using you, the double entendre of you was, um, really poetic so I was like, “I’m gonna keep her name.
(0:21:13) speaker_1: ” And I’m like, “And if she finds me, maybe…
(0:21:15) speaker_1: ” Like maybe I was thinking ahead and I was like, “And if she finds me through this movie, um, it will be another movie.” (laughs)
(0:21:22) speaker_2: What are you, what are you hoping for a meeting with, with Yushin?
(0:21:30) speaker_1: You know, I, I haven’t thought about it.
(0:21:34) speaker_1: I haven’t thought about that or I haven’t thought about that since I wanted a meeting with her back in 2006 but back then when I wanted to meet her, I was angry back then and I wanted to tell her the, uh, torture (laughs) and the pain that I went through, um, at the hands of her mother, my stepmother but I have gotten past that trauma and I have gotten past that pain and now I don’t, you know, and I think because I use, um, I’ve, I use my art sort of as my way of processing my pain, getting through my pain and also I’ve, I’ve gone through a lot of self-healing through meditation and just, um, just self-work and if I met her today, it would just be curiosity to know her experience growing up but I don’t have, I don’t have a really a need to meet her but only just as a person, but I don’t have a need to meet her to, for, you know, to cause any pain on her, um, because I’ve done a lot of self-work on me but back then, I wanted retribution and I wanted to tell her how much pain that my brother and I went through and I wanted to tell her that she had a bad mother.
(0:23:04) speaker_1: Yeah.
(0:23:07) speaker_2: Yeah because there, I, I, I can understand the, the response.
(0:23:12) speaker_2: Um, it’s a very human response, you know, maybe to get revenge or, um, maybe there’s some jealousy, uh-
(0:23:21) speaker_1: Mm-hmm. Oh, absolutely.
(0:23:23) speaker_2: …
(0:23:23) speaker_2: of how you were treated differently than her and how she was protected in a way and, um, that you and your brother because you were kept separate, um, that, and locked away apparently, um-
(0:23:42) speaker_1: Mm-hmm like literally like out of a-
(0:23:45) speaker_2: Yeah, it’s-
(0:23:45) speaker_1: … out of a book. (laughs)
(0:23:46) speaker_2: I, I, I mean this isn’t, uh, I, I, i- it’s awful and I’m very sorry.
(0:23:52) speaker_2: Um, that, um, y- you know, I can imagine wanting the truth to come out because, you know, you were treated like shameful, like you were shameful.
(0:24:03) speaker_1: Mm-hmm.
(0:24:04) speaker_2: Um-
(0:24:04) speaker_1: Mm-hmm.
(0:24:06) speaker_2: But it’s interesting how, uh, I mean, it is true, you know, none of, none of this is her fault, um, or her doing and she’s maybe an innocent-…
(0:24:17) speaker_2: person in this, and it’s interesting that you sort of changed kind of what you would want out of a, a reunion.
(0:24:26) speaker_1: Yeah.
(0:24:26) speaker_1: You know, because I, I really believe in this, in this life, you know, and I’m, it- it is, you know, we all- I- it- we, we are all told that it’s about your mindset and how you take in the world and perceive the world.
(0:24:42) speaker_1: And so, it’s up to us to really define our reality and define our experiences. And, um, all of that has given me a lot of material to create, create art.
(0:24:54) speaker_1: I’ve used it to process it, but, um, moving forward, um, like, you know, I get to create what tomorrow looks like, you know, the, what the rest of my life looks like.
(0:25:06) speaker_1: And I have a beautiful son, and I see joy in him every day.
(0:25:12) speaker_1: And, you know, I wanna con- like I, all of this, you know, what was once ugly, like I just want… I don’t wanna remember that as ugly.
(0:25:24) speaker_1: I want it to, um, have been a part of me and have been something that I can use to, um, make…
(0:25:33) speaker_1: to be a part of, you know, a layer of me, and to use it for good. And I think what that good is, is the art that I make, the story that I make.
(0:25:44) speaker_1: It adds a layer to what I can bring and I think, you know, this is one level of it ob- obviously, this direct autobiographical piece.
(0:25:54) speaker_1: But now I am exploring the horror space in film, and I think that is manifested in a different type of way.
(0:26:01) speaker_1: I can explore evil in a different type of way, and I was like, “This is what this texture is.
(0:26:07) speaker_1: ” And so I’m like, “It’s so great that you have this layer of, like, ugly that you once, you know, experienced because now you can use it in other forms.
(0:26:17) speaker_1: ” And I’m like, “And that’s how you have to use this, and that’s sort of the gift that it was given to you.” And it’s a lot of woo-woo wa-wa stuff.
(0:26:24) speaker_1: But if you listen to people like Tony Robbins and if you listen to people that really use pain for good, this is what they do with it.
(0:26:32) speaker_1: They use it to create something to, um, you know, hopefully help other people or use it to entertain other people or whatever vehicle it can be.
(0:26:40) speaker_1: And when I look at my son, and, you know, one day he will understand all of this, um, but he still gets parts of me, and he knows that I came from an orphanage.
(0:26:51) speaker_1: And, um, he gets, he asks me questions about it, and, uh, and he knows that he is lucky, and there are times where he’s just really happy to have a mom and a dad that really, really (laughs) adore him and that give him this very curated life.
(0:27:11) speaker_1: And, um, and I just, and I think I try to continually do that for him because of how fractured my past was, and so I, um, I use it to fuel that. Yeah.
(0:27:30) speaker_1:
(0:27:30) speaker_2: Do, do you have memories of the orphanage? You said crystal clear.
(0:27:33) speaker_1: Yeah. I absolutely do. Oh my God, I can see rooms. I can s- I can still smell places. Yeah.
(0:27:40) speaker_2: Were you treated kindly there?
(0:27:45) speaker_1: Um, here and there.
(0:27:47) speaker_1: It was, uh, you know, it was, um, it wasn’t well-funded and so, um, I think the, the people that ran the orphanage had good intentions, but there were a lot of kids there.
(0:28:03) speaker_1: So, uh, you know, there were a lot of, there was a lot of abuse that wasn’t seen. And there were kids that bullied one another.
(0:28:11) speaker_1: So I had a bully in the orphanage. She was about 10 years old, 9 or 10 years old, and she was brutal to me.
(0:28:19) speaker_1: I was a, because I was a small little girl, I don’t know, I- I think I was very fragile.
(0:28:24) speaker_1: I behaved in a fragile way, perhaps because of the way my stepmother treated me. I might have been a target or allowed myself to be a target.
(0:28:33) speaker_2: Of course. Yeah.
(0:28:35) speaker_1: This, this one little girl, she saw something in me, and so she used her pain out on me. And so she did things to me in that orphanage.
(0:28:46) speaker_1: So she was, um, yeah, she was my, uh, my villain. (laughs)
(0:28:52) speaker_2: For physical abuse, for-
(0:28:55) speaker_1: For physical abuse. She, whenever she got abused, she would come and take it out on me. Um, emotionally, she would come and take it out on me.
(0:29:03) speaker_1: So I was her punching bag. So yeah, I… and this is what I remember. Um, I remember her vividly. I also did have an ally, and I remember her vividly.
(0:29:14) speaker_1: And I made a short film out of, you know, using these people out of, uh, that experience.
(0:29:20) speaker_1: Um, the, like, I remember some, a little bit of corruption between like the male, um, orphanage, like, people, and, uh, but overall I remember Christmas.
(0:29:34) speaker_1: I remember Thanksgiving.
(0:29:36) speaker_1: I remember, um, s- going to school and, uh, being, you know, I- I remember being, uh, ashamed ’cause the kids were like, “You live in an orphanage.
(0:29:46) speaker_1: ” And I was like, “No, I don’t.” They’re like, “I saw you walking down that, you know, to that building.
(0:29:51) speaker_1: ” And I was like, “I- I just walked down that way ’cause I like to walk,” and denying that I was an orphan.
(0:29:58) speaker_1: But then I re- I had, um, really nice teachers that like, you know, knew I was an orphan and they were like, gave me special treatment.
(0:30:05) speaker_1: And then I also remember I had like a boy, like everybody was paired off with a girl and a boy, and I had a boy partner that was really nice to me and he would bring me like extra treats ’cause he knew I was an orphan, and it was like our secret….
(0:30:18) speaker_1: so he was my pal. Um, I, I did first grade in the orphanage.
(0:30:23) speaker_1: I mean, not in the orphanage but in the school, and so I remember having good memories of school.
(0:30:31) speaker_1: And I remember summer school and, like, getting prepared for tests.
(0:30:36) speaker_1: So I, I remember having good memories of, like, the people, you know, like academically and… I re- yeah, I remember the holidays.
(0:30:47) speaker_1: I remember all the food and overall, uh, and I remember realizing I had a birthday, so that was the first time, it was in the orphanage was the first time I celebrated my birthday ’cause I didn’t realize we had birthdays.
(0:31:02) speaker_1:
(0:31:02) speaker_2: And d- was it your actual birthday or was it like-
(0:31:07) speaker_1: I, I don’t remember, but I remember every month, I just remember we gathered together in this one big room and they would call out names, like, it must have been every month, but I just remember periodically we would gather and they would call out names and (laughs) every single time we gathered I would, I was always hoping they would call out my name ’cause you got, like, cookies.
(0:31:28) speaker_1: And, um, one, one time they called out my name and I realized, like, that was a birthday and, um, I was like, “Oh, great.
(0:31:36) speaker_1: ” (laughs) I was like, “Wow, I have this day where, like, I get to celebrate me.
(0:31:43) speaker_1: ” And so, you know, systematically or systemically, they celebrated, like, what I felt like a nice life, you know? There were holidays that you celebrated.
(0:31:54) speaker_1: There was, uh, you know, um, there were birthdays, there were, uh, we had regular meals, so I really appreciated being fed consistently in the orphanage ’cause that didn’t happen when I was with my stepmother, and of course, at that point, like living in the countryside with my grandmother, like it’s pretty vague now from, you know, because I was, like, from, I don’t know, uh, like, three to five and when I was a baby I was with my, um, birth father for a bit, but I would just remember stories of what was happening to me.
(0:32:30) speaker_1: I was kind of being transported back and forth.
(0:32:32) speaker_2: Well, when you were in the orphanage, I wondered, I mean, um, you must have been also very fearful of, of the abuse you were receiving, but, um, did you feel…
(0:32:45) speaker_2: Do you remember feeling like it was almost a relief to be there than being lo-
(0:32:50) speaker_1: Absolutely.
(0:32:51) speaker_2: … locked away?
(0:32:52) speaker_1: Absolutely. I re- I just liked being with other people.
(0:32:56) speaker_1: Was for the first time really, because that’s when you go to school, when you’re like five, you know?
(0:33:02) speaker_1: It was the first time really and I was, um, six when I got to the orphanage and I was just with people all the time and I was in a group of, I was in a room with a group of girls my age and, you know, as, although I had a bully that pulled me aside and traumatized me every time she got traumatized, um, I s- I still had some allies.
(0:33:22) speaker_1: I had a group of girls that I was with and, you know, I, I found ways to be mischievous in my own ways ’cause I remember I, like, peed my pants once and you had those ando floors, so I peed my pants once and of course you get in trouble, um, and so I just went and I sat in an ando floor for like the entire day just to dry my pants so I wouldn’t get punished.
(0:33:47) speaker_1: And I remember being like, “This is kind of great. I can, like, navigate and get lost in the crowd.” Like, I’m not, you know, I’m just…
(0:33:56) speaker_1: (laughs) I’m not the center and I’m not the one being, like, um, pinpointed.
(0:34:01) speaker_2: So it’s almost like because th- (laughs) the, probably lack of care workers and-
(0:34:07) speaker_1: Yeah.
(0:34:07) speaker_2: … that many kids you could almost be, uh, anonymous and-
(0:34:11) speaker_1: Mm-hmm.
(0:34:12) speaker_2: … have some freedom, autonomy.
(0:34:14) speaker_1: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I just… I remember being…
(0:34:17) speaker_1: I remember a lot of people and I, a lot of kids and I liked being around a lot of kids ’cause I was new and I liked school because that was new, and I re- I liked learning because the, I wa- I wanted to go to school when I was locked in that room and I knew kids were going to school, and I remember my brother w- you know, was, was going to school and he was bringing homework for a period and then he had run away.
(0:34:47) speaker_1: And so I knew kids were going to school and I was supposed to be somewhere but instead I was locked in this room.
(0:34:53) speaker_1: So by the time I was in the orphanage I was, you know, I was going, I was already in first grade and I en- enjoyed being in first grade.
(0:35:03) speaker_2: It’s almost like… I wonder if you felt at the time that your, your life was a movie. I don’t know if you knew what movies were at that time.
(0:35:10) speaker_1: Well, I discovered television then and I remember watching American television ’cause I watched The A-Team and I watched Michael Jackson and I watched, uh, I think Korean soaps and Korean drama, and so I was just mesmerized by TV.
(0:35:29) speaker_1: And, uh, and I was mesmerized by American faces. But I also remember it was in the orphanage where I said to myself, “I’m going to America.
(0:35:40) speaker_1: ” It was the first time I understood, like, setting an intention (laughs) and just believing that something was going to happen to me without knowing that it was gonna happen to me.
(0:35:49) speaker_1: But I told myself, “I’m going to America.” And it was also the culture of the orphanage. Like, that was what everybody wanted.
(0:35:56) speaker_1: Everyone wanted to go to America. Like, that’s what… That’s, that’s the dream.
(0:36:01) speaker_1: And, um, and I think part of the resentment of this other girl that bullied me was, like, she wanted to go to America and when I found out that I was gonna go, it was like (laughs) my big, like, you know, middle finger to her, was like, “I’m going to America, you’re not.
(0:36:19) speaker_1: I finally got in, you didn’t. I get to escape you.”…
(0:36:23) speaker_1: and all these other people like that, that were mean to me ’cause I did have, um, some, I did like, like I had a horrific event that I, I remember, and I also wrote about that and put that in my short film.
(0:36:36) speaker_1: Like, the major horrific events, I have used somehow and put in my films, and it… and also in my, um, sh- solo show ’cause it’s my…
(0:36:48) speaker_1: it’s sort of, it’s my way of processing this, these events. I think when you’re an artist, you do.
(0:36:56) speaker_1: I- if I was, if I was a fine artist, I would’ve put it in a painting somehow.
(0:37:03) speaker_2: Yeah.
(0:37:04) speaker_1: Yeah.
(0:37:04) speaker_2: Um, well, where did you… who adopted you, and where did you grow up?
(0:37:09) speaker_1: I got adopted, so my adoption story is even crazier.
(0:37:13) speaker_1: (laughs) I got adopted into this family in like upstate Hudson Valley, so not so upstate, in New York, New York state.
(0:37:24) speaker_1: Um, this couple, they’re an elder, older couple. They adopted, uh, five Korean kids, and they adopted three Caucasian kids.
(0:37:35) speaker_1: So, I got adopted into a family of s- of a t- 10. It turned out to be 10. It wasn’t 10 when I got there.
(0:37:44) speaker_1: I think it was about seven, and then they adopted more and more kids once I arrived. So, we totaled 10 kids by 1990.
(0:37:54) speaker_2: And do you remember feeling sadness b- w- leaving your brother, or had he already been adopted?
(0:38:02) speaker_1: Oh, my brother came with me.
(0:38:03) speaker_2: Oh, you were adopted together?
(0:38:06) speaker_1: Yeah.
(0:38:06) speaker_2: Okay.
(0:38:06) speaker_1: Yeah, and he’ll be listening to this podcast, so I have to say, “Hi, Nick.” (laughs)
(0:38:12) speaker_2: Okay. Have you guys been close through the years?
(0:38:17) speaker_1: Um, we have. You know, it’s been an emotional life for us, and we’ve st- stuck together. We’ve stayed close, obviously.
(0:38:27) speaker_1: We went to Korea, um, independently, but we met up there to reunite with our father.
(0:38:33) speaker_1: So we went through the reunification journey together when we were there. Um, the Searching For You, he is one of the characters.
(0:38:42) speaker_1: Um, he has been a character in all my pieces and, um, you know, he’s… wherever he is in life, he’s just…
(0:38:50) speaker_1: goes through it with me, even if he’s geographically apart. He lives in, uh, the DC area and has a much different, like he’s…
(0:39:00) speaker_1: works in, um, like r- re- uh, he works in finance and just has a whole different life. (laughs) But, um, yeah, we, we go through it together.
(0:39:09) speaker_2: Of course, adoptees talk about we get each other because a lot of us have very similar and relatable experiences in life. This other person, this…
(0:39:20) speaker_2: your brother, your biological brother, you know, he’s the only one that’s really shared the same things, the exact same things you went through.
(0:39:29) speaker_1: He… yeah, absolutely, and he has many more memories than I do. So, there, there are times when he will tell me stories and I’m like, “What? That happened?
(0:39:39) speaker_1: ” And he’s like, “Oh, yeah. Don’t you remember this and this and this?” And I’m like, “No.
(0:39:44) speaker_1: ” Because he was 10 when he came over, and as a mother now, when I look at my son, ’cause my son is seven, and I’m like, “I cannot imagine my son going to another family now with all that he’s lived through.
(0:39:59) speaker_1: ” And then I think about my brother and I’m like, “I cannot imagine my son three years from now leaving me to go to another family.
(0:40:09) speaker_1: ” I was like, “That would traumatize him.” And then-
(0:40:14) speaker_2: Yeah.
(0:40:14) speaker_1: …
(0:40:14) speaker_1: you know, there are times when, you know, my son will like complain about something trite, and I was like (laughs) I’ll do like what, you know, like grandmothers will have done to us.
(0:40:24) speaker_1: I’m like, “You know, when I was your age, I was on a plane going to a whole new family.” I was like, “You can go to bed without me cuddling with you.
(0:40:33) speaker_1: ” And, um, it’s… (laughs) it’s, it… but when I put it in those… (laughs) uh, when I put it in that context, I’m like, “Wow.
(0:40:43) speaker_1: ” I was like, “That really happened to us.” (laughs) (instrumental music plays)
(0:41:13) speaker_2: Uh, I’m sure you had to assimilate very quickly, um, once you were adopted. Did you and your brother, um, retain your Korean language ability?
(0:41:25) speaker_1: Um, we didn’t. We, we both threw ourselves into American culture once we got there.
(0:41:34) speaker_1: I was told I could speak fluent English, um, or fluent American by the time I started second grade, um, um, in… at… by the end of August.
(0:41:47) speaker_1: So I came July 22nd, and I could speak fluent English by, uh, September.
(0:41:56) speaker_2: Oh, in a couple months?
(0:41:58) speaker_1: In a couple months, fluent. I mean, I had an ESL teacher throughout, you know, second grade, but I could s-… I could speak and s-…
(0:42:06) speaker_1: I think it was still gradual. I, like, um… it was gradual.
(0:42:10) speaker_1: Like, I had different kids sit with me at lunch to like, you know, tutor me on like, you know, certain words. But I could, I could get by.
(0:42:19) speaker_1: But I remember saying to myself when I got to, um, the United States, I was like, “I am a new person.”
(0:42:29) speaker_2: And I can’t imag- I- I can’t imagine what it’s like, either, for your brother, 10 years old-
(0:42:34) speaker_1: I know.
(0:42:34) speaker_2: … who have lost Korea.
(0:42:38) speaker_1: I know.
(0:42:38) speaker_1: (gasps) I know, I- you know, going- living through it then, having the mindset you have, and then thinking back about it now, like as a mother looking at my son, I’m like, “Oh my god, like what that- what- what you are asking of children at that age.
(0:42:57) speaker_1: ” But I think for him and I, ’cause we used to- (phone chimes) I remember as we would get together and we would talk about the strangeness of all of it.
(0:43:07) speaker_1: But I also remember saying to mis- making promises to myself, like, “That life is done. You are now American.” I was like, “Forget those people.
(0:43:19) speaker_1: They hurt you. You are American. Learn English now. Forget it.” And I just remember stepping over this line and just going full force.
(0:43:31) speaker_1: And, um, English was my language. I was American.
(0:43:34) speaker_1: And then I went through the whole process that I think most adoptees go through where I just didn’t see a Korean girl.
(0:43:42) speaker_1: I just saw an American girl, and I dove into that identity.
(0:43:47) speaker_2: Oh, fr- uh, about yourself, you’re talking about.
(0:43:51) speaker_1: Yeah, at that time, living through it. Now, bird eye view, when I look back at myself, you know, I think like, “How did you do that?
(0:43:59) speaker_1: What were you going through, little, you know, seven year old? Like how did you possibly process all of that? How did you learn that language so quickly?
(0:44:06) speaker_1: ” Um, but- and then when I think about my brother, I’m like, “He must have…” I didn’t ask him his process, but I’m like, “He must have done the same.
(0:44:15) speaker_1: ” I’m like, “Did he just say, ‘Okay, I’m this new person’?” We got new names. We came off the plane, and we’re like, “Your name is now Marissa.
(0:44:24) speaker_1: ” My name was Lahel, which is translated as Rachel. They called me like- it’s- it’s Rahel really, ’cause- but Korea, they don’t have the “lah,” “rah” sound.
(0:44:36) speaker_1: So it’s-
(0:44:37) speaker_2: Uh-huh.
(0:44:38) speaker_1: So, sh- (laughs) my adopted mother was like, “Your name is Marissa.” And I was like, “Okay, great.” So I was like, “I’m Marissa, I’m not a-“
(0:44:50) speaker_2: What was your Korean name? What was your Korean name?
(0:44:51) speaker_1: It’s, um, you say Lahel.
(0:44:54) speaker_2: Lahel?
(0:44:54) speaker_1: Lahel.
(0:44:55) speaker_2: So the orphanage must have given you that name, right?
(0:45:00) speaker_1: They called me, uh, Lahel.
(0:45:03) speaker_2: Lahel. Okay.
(0:45:04) speaker_1: Yeah, it’s a, it’s a biblical name. It came out of- it’s- my father made it up, but it’s-
(0:45:10) speaker_2: Oh, okay, right, he was a minister.
(0:45:12) speaker_1: Yeah.
(0:45:13) speaker_2: So he, he took it from the Bible and maybe-
(0:45:15) speaker_1: He took it from the Bible. He adapted it from the Bible.
(0:45:18) speaker_2: Uh, yeah, he adapted it.
(0:45:19) speaker_1: Yeah.
(0:45:20) speaker_2: Yeah. Okay. But, um, uh, I was gonna- I thought of something.
(0:45:27) speaker_2: Um, uh, so tell us what was, uh- can you characterize kind of your growing up years and your family life?
(0:45:37) speaker_1: Yes. Um, it was- it was challenging, obviously. It was challenging and it was- it’s- it was challenging.
(0:45:49) speaker_1: I grew up with, um, uh, four Korean siblings and, uh, three Caucasian siblings in the house, and there were two, um, Caucasian siblings that lived outside the house.
(0:46:01) speaker_1: And so my mom adopted, um, another Korean girl.
(0:46:05) speaker_1: She was two years younger than me, and, um, she was my best friend and we grew up and we had a love-hate relationship.
(0:46:14) speaker_1: And so most of my childhood I- is- I just- I remember her and really growing up and becoming, you know, embracing like my American identity with her.
(0:46:26) speaker_1: School was hard because, um, academically it was fine, but it was hard identity wise ’cause I wanted to be skinny, blonde, tall, and, you know, look like, um, Margot Robbie, and I didn’t look like that at all.
(0:46:42) speaker_1: And so I was chasing after that all my life, or all my like life.
(0:46:46) speaker_1: And I was- we were like- we were the only Korean family and we grew up in this small like farm town. So it was-
(0:46:55) speaker_2: With white parents?
(0:46:56) speaker_1: With white parents. And they were older, um, they are- you know, my- my father didn’t graduate high school.
(0:47:03) speaker_1: My mother, um, I think my mother dropped out and got her GED.
(0:47:09) speaker_1: She was, um, a licensed practitioner nurse, but, you know, we- it wasn’t a wealthy family, and so we were, um, they’re just- just really lower working class family.
(0:47:23) speaker_1:
(0:47:24) speaker_2: Well, that’s (laughs)-
(0:47:25) speaker_1: (laughs) Yeah.
(0:47:27) speaker_2: So question, how- well, how were they allowed to adopt when there’s so many kids in the family, and I mean, did you get a sense that they had enough money to care for you all?
(0:47:38) speaker_2:
(0:47:38) speaker_1: I- you know what, it’s a mystery. I don’t know. There were so many kids. Um, my father like worked at a factory. He worked so hard.
(0:47:49) speaker_1: And my mother had- was a part-time, you know, nurse at a little school for disabled children, which was an incredibly noble job.
(0:48:00) speaker_1: And, um, and she had other part-time jobs here and there, but for the most part, she was there raising us. And I don’t know how they did it financially.
(0:48:09) speaker_1: There was a lot of talk of money and how we didn’t have money, and so we grew up with a, you know, like scarcity mindset, obviously. And I- I don’t know.
(0:48:19) speaker_1: I don’t know how- how they did it, but they- they staggered in the way that they adopted the children.
(0:48:25) speaker_1: And I don’t know how they were able to adopt so many children. I do know that they-… put it on credit.
(0:48:33) speaker_1: They adopted and took out some, I think, like, I’m not sure if we were a loan or we were put on credit cards. But like we were told-
(0:48:41) speaker_2: Yeah.
(0:48:41) speaker_1: … we were told how much we cost and how much it cost to adopt us. Like, I think I was told that was like $5,000, um, yeah.
(0:48:51) speaker_1: It was, it was something like, it was, yeah. It was odd, very peculiar. So my, my mom had a habit of collecting.
(0:49:03) speaker_1: She, we grew up with four dogs and four cats. So she has-
(0:49:09) speaker_2: I was going to say, it’s like collecting, collecting pets.
(0:49:14) speaker_1: Yeah, um, so my, we grew up in a house with four dogs and four, four dogs, four cats, and eight kids.
(0:49:23) speaker_1: And, um, I, I, I just, it was, you know, as an adult now looking back, I question the mentality, because I know me as an adult.
(0:49:38) speaker_1: I would not adopt, you know, with the resources that I have, you know, I have a master’s degree. My husband has a master’s degree.
(0:49:47) speaker_1: Um, w- I would never adopt children on credit, and I would not have eight pets. You know, living in the City of Chicago, we have a modest home.
(0:49:57) speaker_1: We have a mortgage, we have debt, and I would never put myself in that financial situation.
(0:50:03) speaker_1: So I question, you know, w- where my mom was in her mindset, but-
(0:50:09) speaker_2: Do you think there was some, um, uh, do you think they were mentally well?
(0:50:15) speaker_1: You know, I think, I think she grew up in the ’40s and ’50s. I think it was a different time for, um, women and men.
(0:50:25) speaker_1: I think that she had certain emotional needs that are different that I don’t and will never understand, and, um, you know, we are disconnected today, my birth mother, I mean, my adopted mother and I.
(0:50:43) speaker_1: And I tried to look at it from an objective point of view without any, um, hard feelings, and all I can say is that I think she had her own battles, and she may have been, you know, searching for love in a different way.
(0:51:03) speaker_1: And so perhaps children were one way of getting that kind of love. Now, adoption seems expensive, and it may not have been expensive back then.
(0:51:16) speaker_1: Um, she did adopt children, like, she did adopt in-state children, and I know that that has different laws and regulations, that also has, like, money that you get back from the state, and that she may have been subsidized in some way, and I’m approaching this now as an adult that has, like, financial understanding of, you know, certain, certain things.
(0:51:40) speaker_1: And so that may have subsidized her, and so she may have, she may have help, she may have had help in that way, and all I can do is approach it with compassion and think that we all look for ways to get love, right?
(0:51:59) speaker_1: And we all look for ways to find comfort. And this may have been her way to find love and comfort.
(0:52:06) speaker_1: And I mention my mom more so than my dad because my mom was a, it was a matriarch we grew up in. So, and she ran that house.
(0:52:17) speaker_1: She was a personality, like, um, if even kind, maybe even textbook narcissist, you know, from what I know of narcissism.
(0:52:29) speaker_1: So I think for her, it just, it just may have been her way of seeking, giving love in what she knew, and I can only approach it from a place of compassion and as a human being, and I hope she got that because in the, in the end or i- you know, along the, along the journey of life, I do believe we are all at a better place.
(0:52:57) speaker_1: Like, my one sister lives in Paris right now with a really loving husband and two beautiful girls, my sister Sam, who I was close to growing up.
(0:53:06) speaker_1: My brother, you know, is finding his happiness. He’s a very financially well-off man today.
(0:53:12) speaker_1: Um, you know, I am on the journey that I’m on, I’m on, and so I think, you know, she did her best and she’s, she tried to give who she thought needed help.
(0:53:24) speaker_1: And for her, I hope she got what she got. I- it’s not everyone’s approach.
(0:53:29) speaker_1: It may not be everyone’s healthy approach, but that’s what I think her reasoning was, and I hope that’s what she was seeking, was love, and was trying to get lo- get love.
(0:53:41) speaker_1: It sounds crazy when I do tell those people in, in, from their ex- perspective and from their, um, understanding of how they would approach it, but that’s the reality.
(0:53:53) speaker_1: The reality was that it was 10, you know, it was 10 kids she had, eight adopted on very little, um, you know, what I- my understanding of means, four dogs, four cats, and it seems like she was collecting things.
(0:54:07) speaker_1: Yeah.
(0:54:09) speaker_2: Do you, Marisa, do you use art to process-
(0:54:13) speaker_1: Yeah.
(0:54:13) speaker_2: … what happened to you?
(0:54:14) speaker_1: Um, I’m, I wish I was a fine artist. I’m not a fine artist, but I, I write. I’ve been making films since 2020.
(0:54:23) speaker_1: I’m a theater artist and I have been acting since the 19, you know, late 1990s, and, um, so yeah. That’s my way of processing.
(0:54:35) speaker_2: It’s almost like you h- you were playing a role all your life.
(0:54:40) speaker_1: I believe so. And I know that growing up, I was the actress in the family, you know, and that was how I found, um, acting. Because I was the…
(0:54:51) speaker_1: I found it in fifth grade. I was the only one in my family that was… It was the only thing I was good at.
(0:54:56) speaker_1: Not the only thing, but it was the one thing I was better at than everyone else in my family.
(0:55:02) speaker_1: And coming from a family of eight, you’re gonna, you’re gonna hold onto that and run with it.
(0:55:08) speaker_1: And so, I was gonna become a journalist, and I applied to college, you know, wanting to go to journalism.
(0:55:15) speaker_1: But then I realized that I was a good actor, and I had a great drama teacher that was like, “You’ve got something, and it’s natural.
(0:55:24) speaker_1: ” And I was like, “I’m holding onto this.” And I just moved to New York City when I was 18, and I just went for it. And I’m a type of person…
(0:55:35) speaker_1: And I realize, you know, l- I realize kind of… I realized later that I just make a decision and I go for it.
(0:55:44) speaker_1: And so, um, yeah, when I was 18, I just made a decision and I went for it. And I got into colleges and I’ve had financial aid set up, and I was…
(0:55:53) speaker_1: had a plan, but then I just 180, moved to New York. And, um, and I would, in my bedroom, you know, just act out plays.
(0:56:05) speaker_1: I would recite Romeo and Juliet, um, to myself, the whole play. Um, I didn’t memorize it. (laughs) I wasn’t, I wasn’t that.
(0:56:13) speaker_1: (laughs) But I remember reading it when I was 12, acting out all the parts, um, in my bedroom. Yeah.
(0:56:22) speaker_2: And you cast yourself in, in Searching For You.
(0:56:26) speaker_1: I did. I, you know, I… There’s, there’s not a lot of film for Asian-Americans.
(0:56:33) speaker_1: There’s a not, not a lot of roles, uh, for Asian-Americans and I knew I wanted to make something for myself.
(0:56:41) speaker_1: And I know that as a filmmaker today, like, I wanna create roles for myself and for other Asian-Americans.
(0:56:48) speaker_1: So when I made Searching For You, I said, “This is gonna be a role for me, and this is gonna be a role for other Asian-Americans.” So that was my intention.
(0:56:57) speaker_1:
(0:56:57) speaker_2: And do you play yourself?
(0:56:59) speaker_1: I play myself in… Well, I, um, I’ve tweaked it a bit. Obviously, I’m a lot younger. I play a younger woman.
(0:57:07) speaker_1: Um, she, she has trauma in a little bit of different sense. There’s a little bit more of a haunting.
(0:57:15) speaker_1: But I guess now talking to you today, there is a lot of haunting that I have.
(0:57:21) speaker_1: And so I guess it kind of came out, but I use more of a ghost type of, um, I guess, um… What’s the word I’m looking for? Um…
(0:57:34) speaker_2: Vehicle?
(0:57:35) speaker_1: Yeah, vehicle. But I would… It starts with an A. Yeah. Allegory, allegory. There’s like… Yeah. There’s like this… Yeah.
(0:57:43) speaker_1: But yeah, but essentially, it’s, it’s adapt-… It’s adapted from, partly from my solo show, so it’s the character that I play in my solo show.
(0:57:53) speaker_2: So this is semi-autobiographical?
(0:57:56) speaker_1: Yeah. Yeah.
(0:57:58) speaker_2: Folks, uh, how can they see it? Uh, they have to wait, uh, this fall?
(0:58:02) speaker_1: Through the distribution company.
(0:58:05) speaker_1: It will get onto the, one of the, one or more of the major platforms, and we’ll see what happens with DVD sales and all of that.
(0:58:13) speaker_1: And we’ll see what is happening by the time this airs, but it will be available to the public, um, this fall on the platforms.
(0:58:23) speaker_2: It won’t be… Uh, you won’t have it like pay-per-view?
(0:58:26) speaker_1: It will be. It will be like what they call transactional video on demand or subscription video on demand. So it could be like…
(0:58:34) speaker_1: It’ll definitely be Amazon Prime, um, or, uh, what… I’m trying to think what else is a big, uh, um…
(0:58:42) speaker_1: There’s Hulu, I think, is a partner that they also work with, and then Tubi is another, um, major partner that this distribution company works with as well.
(0:58:54) speaker_1:
(0:58:55) speaker_2: Well, we’ll all look forward to when that’s more in w- wider release. Um, Marissa, how can…
(0:59:01) speaker_2: I know we’ve just scratched the surface probably of, you know, (laughs) the rest of your life, but, um, if people want to find out more about you and what you’re about and your work and contact you, how can they do that?
(0:59:16) speaker_2:
(0:59:16) speaker_1: Yeah. I’m on Instagram. They can go to, um… It’s, um, marisa_lch. Uh, that’s got my film content, my acting content.
(0:59:31) speaker_1: They can go to, um, @searchingforyoufilm, and that has updates on, um, the film. So I’m mostly on Instagram.
(0:59:40) speaker_1: I’m on Facebook as well, and those are the two major social media platforms that I’m on. Yeah, and they can always go to the Searching For You, um, website.
(0:59:53) speaker_1: But yeah, I’m on… I’m really active on Instagram.
(0:59:56) speaker_2: Well, Marissa, this has been such a pleasure to get to know a little bit more about your story.
(1:00:03) speaker_2: And, um, I, I think it’s really powerful that you took your pain and are using it, like you said, using it for good.
(1:00:12) speaker_2: And, um, you know, it’s kind of fueling your creative passions. Do you ever see yourself doing things beyond adoption?
(1:00:20) speaker_1: Um, like, uh-
(1:00:22) speaker_2: Oppositely.
(1:00:23) speaker_1: … films or scr- you know, writing? Um, yeah, I’m gonna, I’m going to continue making film. Absolutely. Uh, I’m working on a second film right now.
(1:00:34) speaker_1: Um, I’m also opening up a camp for this summer for… Uh, it’s a nonprofit. It’s for CPS kids to learn, um, theater and film.
(1:00:44) speaker_2: What’s CPS?
(1:00:45) speaker_1: Uh, Chicago Public School-
(1:00:47) speaker_2: Okay.
(1:00:47) speaker_1: … kids to make, uh, theater and films. So I’m working on opening up a camp, um, this summer. And I, I really want to start, um-…
(1:00:59) speaker_1: helping people, you know, with, you know, like, the positive, positive mindset space ’cause that’s really helped me. And I’ve sought it out myself in…
(1:01:10) speaker_1: through podcasts and books and just through meditation, and I wanna find a way to, uh, sort of fuse all of that together to help other people as…
(1:01:21) speaker_1: through an art form. And so I also wanna explore that space, sort of like the positive, sort of like, the positive mindset space.
(1:01:33) speaker_1: So I, I don’t know if that makes sense but, like, there are a lot of people in that space but that-
(1:01:39) speaker_0: The healing space, yeah.
(1:01:40) speaker_1: The healing space, yeah. That and then I want… Yeah, then I’m…
(1:01:44) speaker_1: You know, ’cause I wanna create my own business so I’m creating this summer camp, and then I’m doing this screening as a way to…
(1:01:53) speaker_1: as a fundraiser to s- launch the, uh, camp.
(1:01:56) speaker_1: And then, of course, I’m going to continue making film because I, I wanna create art for myself, um, work for myself, and work for other actors and especially, uh, Asian American actors.
(1:02:12) speaker_1:
(1:02:12) speaker_0: Excellent. Okay. Well, thank you so much. It’s-
(1:02:16) speaker_1: Mm-hmm.
(1:02:17) speaker_0: … it’s been a joy to meet you.
(1:02:19) speaker_1: Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much for giving me space.
(1:02:23) speaker_3: (music)
(1:02:45) speaker_0: Marissa’s film Searching For U will be distributed later this year for on-demand viewing. Thank you, Marissa.
(1:02:53) speaker_0: Thanks also goes to Yugeun Jeon, our Korean language translator. You can find her work in Korean at our website, adaptedpodcast.com.
(1:03:03) speaker_0: And my gratitude to all the new Patreon supporters who have joined us. Your contributions help fuel the podcast. Until next time, I’m Kayomi Lee.
(1:03:13) speaker_3: (music)